


Make it better for you

by ToyCupcakes



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-21 21:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15566487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToyCupcakes/pseuds/ToyCupcakes
Summary: He couldn't understand, why did they care about him? why they were his friends? Jeremy KNOW they don't feel some kinda of pity for him, Michael, Christine, Jake, Rich, Chloe, Brooke, Jenna... All of them did LIKE him. He didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve them.They would be actually happy if they never have meet him, but he can't do it... He can't hurt them, if he was going to go away, he would give them the best time so they just say after all: "See you later..."





	Make it better for you

Jeremy let out a sigh, everything was done, he didn't sleep to finish them, he wasn't actually content with the result but better that than nothing.

He stood up of his chair and walked to the door, he have alot to do today, first go out with Christine, Then go to Pinkberry with Chloe and Brooke, hang out with Jenna, meet with Jake and Rich at Jake's departament to finally go to Michael's house. He wasn't actually sure if he will able to have everything done that they, but he must try.

"Son?" His dad knocked the door.

"Yeah?"

"You are up really earlier." Mr. Heere comented.

"I have alot to do today." Jeremy said." But I like to talk to you before I go."

Mr. Heere noded and looked at his son.

Jeremy took a deep breath."I'm... Sorry..." His dad looked confused.

"Why are you sorry?"

"For beging a shitty son and... for beging the reason mom left you" His dad probably didn't understand why he was so suddenly saying that, Mr. Heere get closed to him.

"Do... do you really belive it's your fault that your mother left?" Jeff sounded shocked and sad. Jeremy silently nooded. Mr. Heere hug his son. "Jeremy" His dad started."you have nothing to do with what happen between your mom and me I can assure you that, you where actually one of the reason we didn't wanted to divorce, but the therapist though it was the best for you."

Jeremy looked at his father eyes and nooded. He didn't fully believe that, the memories of his mother screaming at his faces when he didn't do the things as she wanted never fade away, and probably never will, the most recent of them was when he came out as Bisexual to her, her mother almost fait and left him in the restaurant all alone just leaving the money with extra cash in case Jeremy wanted someting else. That broke him and the little of possibilities he have to recover his mother-son relationship.(1)

After a moment of silence Jeff said."You remember I won't be here at night and you will spend the night at Michael's right?"

"Yes."

"The get ready." Mr. Heere smiled. "If you have alot to do you better hurry."

* * *

Now, it was Christine turn.

 

"Jeremy!"

Jeremy smiled at the short asian girl. "Hey Christine!" He was surprised how happy his voice sounded, maybe he was happy to see her again.

Christine smiled at him."You came earlier than I expected."

"I didn't actually sleep to much." He admitted.

"Why? Too much furry?" Christine laugh and Jeremy's faces turned red. God, he would never forget the moment when Christine walked to his room meanwhile he was... doing his private stuff. There was no day that the short girl didn't remember that funny and awkward accident. Both of them laughed.

 

As the laughing faded away, the black haired girl looked at him, still smiling."Why did you want to meet with me so earlier anyway?"

He knew that question will come, like he did with his dad, he took a deep breath before speaking."To apologize."

Christine looked at him, just like his dad.

"I was the reason you take the SQUIP, I... practically almost blow up your brain like I almost blow up the human civilization, you shouldn't have suffered for my selfishness."

Christine stay in silent for a moment."Oh Jeremy, it's okay, I know you didn't meant it. And I took the pill by myself. Everything is in the past." They hugged.(2)

 

**_I wish I could let the past go that easily_ **

* * *

Now... Chloe and Brooke.

 

He stared at his yogurt awkwardly, Brooke and Chloe were happily talking about something he didn't get. A part of him was regretting this, of course if he go out with Brooke and Chloe at the same time he will become the third wheel. He was staring down, just searching for something to say(3).

"So Jerry, why so quite, as I remember you were the one who wanted to meet with us." Jeremy smiled at the nickname, Chlo never actually stopped calling him like that but it become his nickname.

Starting like with the other two person he talked to, he took a deep breath."I... never felt like I apologize to you properly." He didn't wanted to see the confusion on their eyes, so he continued." I was the reason you two have a fight, I used you Brooke and you don't know how bad I feel for what I did to you and for the whole Jake situation at the halloween-"

"Stop there geek!" Chloe cuted Jeremy off."First of all: What happen between me and Brooke wasn't your fault, it was mine and we already talked about it." Brooke nooded at her girlfriend words."Second: Yeah, you used her, but that was the SQUIP not YOU and third: I make the thing with Jake happen, not you. You have nothing to be sorry about." Jeremy looked at their eyes for the first time, there was concern in them."If someone have to apologize it's me."

 

_**No... it's me, it's always me** _

* * *

Jenna... God where he was going to start here.

 

"Hey Jenna." He enter to the girl house. Jenna looked at him.

"To the point Heere." She said. "I know you want to tell me something and of how you have been acting those pass weeks it seems like something important." Her tone was serious but worried.

"God you are difficult." He laughed a bit. "But you are right, I have something to tell you." Jenna guide him to the living room.

"So, what is it?"

"The SQUIP." Jenna alarmed a bit."No, no it's not back, it's about... what I did to you."

"What you did to me?" The girl didn't seem to understand.

"I make you took one... I..." What could he actually said." I practically used your insecurety to my benifit."

"No you didn't." Jenna looked at him with cold serious in her eyes."MY insecurety played against me and I took the SQUIP."

Jeremy didn't believe that and Jenna seemed to noticed that."Stop bleaming your self, Jeremy, we don't blame you for that, no one of us does."

 

_**I know, and you should...** _

* * *

He was late to meet with Jake and Rich.

 

He break down in middle of his conversation with Jenna and that make him be late, it was almost 7:00 PM he was suppose to be there at 6:30 PM and then go to Michael's house at 8:00. Sometimes he stopped and asked himself is this was worth it, It was, not for him, it wasn't for him, it was for them.

 

"Finally!" Jake joked but Jeremy believe he hear a little of concern in his voice."We though you weren't going to show up at all."

"Sorry, took me longer than I though." Jeremy hear Jake's xbox and supposed that Rich and him were playing.

"Hey Jerm!" Rich appear from Jake's room."Wanna play? Jake need helps so I don't beat his ass."

Jake rolled his eyes."You mean YOU need help so I don't beat YOUR ass!" The tall boy responded.

The three played for a short time before Jeremy asked them to pause the game. They inmediatly did, like if they were waiting for that.

"If is about you saying sorry, you have nothing to be sorry about." Rich said when he looked how Jeremy was about to talk.

"H-how did you-"

"Michael." That didn't explain a thing. Rich seemed to noticed Jeremy's confusion. "He told us you have been acting wired, like really wired, and asked for help to keep an eye on you."

"When we knew you asked all to hang out with you at the same day but different times we knew something was off so... we have been messange each other saying what did you do on that time and in all of that you were always saying you were sorry." Jake finished.

 

Jeremy didn't know what to say, was he really that obvious? Did they know him actually that well? Did they suspect why was he doing it?

"Please Jeremy, the SQUIP is in the past, nothing of that thing should metter anymore." Rich get closed to Jeremy. "Let's just... See the future? This sound so wired coming out of me let's be honest, but it's the true. Stop thinking we have something against you, we don't."

"In the name of the whole squad, we are NOT leaving you alone and we are going to faces what come next together."

 

_**Why are they like this? I don't deserve this, any of this... God they shouldn't be thinking of me godman it! They should be worry about they're own lifes...** _

* * *

Faces Michael was probably the most difficult thing he has done by now.

 

Both of them, sitting in Michael's basement, not looking at each other's eyes.

Michael decide to break the silence."Do you think we were like... mad at you or something? For things that happen a fucking year ago." He sounded really worried.

 

_**No... it's not that** _

 

"Kinda... I feel like... I never actually apologize to any of you in a right way, y'know." Michael nodded.

Jeremy was felt something cold in his chest, he was starting to breath in a heavy way and his vision was starting to blurr.

 

_**You are not supposed to cry! You are supposed to spend a good time with your boyfriend and friends! Why I have to be so weak and make my problems theirs too.** _

 

Michael get closer to him and hugged him tightly. "Don't cry Jer-bear... everything is okay... we are just worried about you... What happen in the past stay there."

 

_**How can all of you do it so easly?** _

 

"We are happy now, all of us."

 

_**Not thanks to me.** _

 

"Stop thinking what happen there was completly your fault and if it someone who made you think that way, I will personality beat the cheat out of him." He laughed.

 

_**You won't have to worry about it anymore, I'll make your life easier.** _

 

"Just... Stop beging like this to yourself, I'm scare..."

"Scare?"

"Scare that you might be end up doing something stupid."

 

_**It's not stupid, infact it would benefit you and the others alot.** _

* * *

After Michael give Jeremy the "One hour talks of why he was so special", the boy walked back at his house, part of himself was unsure about what he was going to do, he give them good last moments together, right? But... what if he hurt them more? Jeremy shake his head, no, he was doing them a favor. He was infront of the door, Jeremy took his keys and open it, there was only silence. He walked to the kitchen and grabed a knife. 

He let out a sigh and walked to the bathroom, sometimes, when he entered to that room he remember one of the conversation Michael and him have after their friendship was finally restablished.

 

_"You... you have a panic attack?"_

_"Yeah... pathetic I know..."_

_"N-no I di-didn't meant to make it sound like it was pathetic. Because it's not, I- I"_

_"It's okay Jeremy, but I'll be honest with you... if it wasn't because Jake forced me out of the bathroom... I would have let the fire killed me."_

 

**_He was only worth it to hurt others, thats why he was going to end it in a painful way._ **

 

He take off his sweater and slwoly pressed the knife in his wrist, a little of blood was starting to came out and without taking it off, there was a long line of blood in his left arm. With alot of difficult he took the knife with his and started making the same with his other arm. He was going to die that night, no metter what.

"Jeremy!!?" Shit! Jeremy let the knife go, he start hearing steps directed to the bathroom, panicked and in pain, Jeremy searched for the medicine box he and his father have. "JEREMY ARE YOU IN THERE?!" Fuck! Shit! Michael wasn't supposed to be there, he was desesperatly trying to open one of the flask, but his arms feel it weaker with every effort he made, he drop the pill flask and start to open the alcohol. Jeremy started to drink it.

Finally the door open and Michael practically jumped towards his boyfriend making him drop the alcohol. Everything was starting to get blurry. Was he finally going to die? He hoped.

 

He was still eable to feel the tears of Micheal dropping to his faces. Then he couldn't feel them anymore.

* * *

Voices sounded around him, sobs and steps. Was he in hell. His eyes hurted.

 

"I... just didn't though of him doing this." Micheal. He was crying.

 

  _ **Why did I have to fail?**_

 

Jeremy didn't want to open his eyes and see how mad they were at him, they literally spended a whole day saying how special he was to them.

"He's been like this for almost a month..." Brooke voice was more like a whisper of fear. "What if he..."

"He won't." Michael again, Jeremy's heart heavy by the desesperation in his boyfriend's voices."He is strong, he is out of danger now... we just have to wait."

Jeremy heard someone open the door.

"The time is over." It was a women voice. "You can come tomorrow after school kids."

Silence was over the room and then some steps sounded.

"You have to go kid..."

"J-just give me a little more of time." Michael sobbed. "Please."

"Okay..."

Silence again, no words, but he could tell Michael was crying. "D-dude if you die... I swear I'll poison myself to kill you again..." Michael laughed a bit, and after a few minutes, he was also gone.

 

Jeremy get up carefuly, thinking about what was going on. He had to face it.

 

_**I won't blame you if you hate me.** _

* * *

The door open.

 

Christine looked at the bed, but she wasn't eable to see Jeremy, the doctor was blocking her sight. The men turned around and smiled at the girl."Your first visit is here Mr. Heere:"

 

Christine's heart almost stop when she saw Jeremy, awake, moving his hand, the doctor left the room and the asian girl jumped and towards the pale boy.

"M-my god Jeremy..." She started to cry. "I though you won't wake up... I was so scare..." 

Jeremy huged back.

"I'm so sorry..."

 

More people were coming, everyone cried when they saw Jeremy awake and fine, even Rich did cry.

"What were you thinking?"

"Why did you do that?"

"Jeremy I swear to god if you try it again I will bring you back to life just to kill you again."

There was so much relief in their voices.

When Mr. Heere came because his son have finally wake up his faces was practically a river.

"Don't do that again... for me please."

 

Finally Michael come too, in complete silence, Jeremy was wating for a break up, since he asked to the others to leave the two of them alone.

"Why?" That was the only thing Michael said onces the door closed.

"I..." How he can explain how he felt in the past year?, all the guilty and pain?

"Why you think with going I'll be better?" Jeremy looked at him.

"Did you found the..."

"Letters? Yeah..." Michael was crying he get closer to the bed. "If it wasn't because the doctors where eable to save your life I would have killed myself..." More tears, Jeremy didn't want to look at them.

"Shit Jeremy..." He hugged him. "You want to make me happy?"

The pale boy nodded.

 

_**He is going to break up with me...** _

 

They break the hug and looked at each others eyes, some tears were coming out of Jeremy's eyes.

"Don't do this again, don't try it again, if you ever feel like this again come to me." He took a deep breathe. "Promise me you will do that... That would make me happy..."

He didn't want to make Michael suffer anymore... He just don't want to see him like this, some images of how the philipino boy would have been in the period of time he was in coma shatter his heart.

 

_**"I promise Micheal..."** _ ****

**Author's Note:**

> (1): Jeremy's mom reaction. JM (Jeremy's mom) it's from a really homophobic family, so you can guess her though about the LGBTQ. Even though she was mostly shocked when her son came out as bi to her and between that and her own thoughs about gays, bis, etc, she reacted that way, but she deeply regret it. She tried to call Jeremy and explain it and say even though his own opinions about the whole bu topic he got her full support, but Mr. Heere blocked her phone number and since she doesn't live in the same town as them she couldn't contact to Jeremy.
> 
> (2): I just wanted to show Jeremy's apologize, but he did spend time with each of them
> 
> (3): Yes that was a Dear Evan Hansen reference.
> 
> I hope you liked!! I'm not good at angst I know.


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